This practice does require a few moments of quiet time – a rarity in a mom’s life, yes, but it is worth it! An essential part of this practice is self-compassion. In my experience as a therapist, this seems to be the most difficult part of this or any other therapeutic process for that matter. The “mommy guilt” seems to be so deeply ingrained and pervasive that it leaves little room for self-compassion. We don’t realize that we don’t have to bring ourselves to a brink of exhaustion in order to feel that we are good enough, that we can and do accomplish enough, that we are productive enough. Make yourself a part of the equation in your own life – unapologetically!
It is imperative to let ourselves experience what we feel emotionally. We tend to push
away – understandably so – painful and uncomfortable emotions. When we do that we lose site of what we need; we fear that if we let ourselves feel, we will lose all control and break down and who has time or energy for that! However, by blocking and numbing our emotions we are slowly but surely moving in precisely that direction because we lose our capacity to be emotionally and psychologically flexible and adaptable to life’s invariable curve balls – small and big. We go from a 0 to a 100 in a split second; we are either numb or enraged; we burst into tears for no apparent reason and want to withdraw and hide.
I am not suggesting that letting yourself feel the emotions cannot be in itself an overwhelming experience, especially, if we’ve been numbing ourselves for a long time. So, you start slowly. If it’s been a while, you might not even be able to name your emotions. If this is the case, describe them: if it had a colour, what would it be? If it had a texture, what would it be? Temperature? Sound? Shape? Taste? Be curious about your own experiences – not judgmental. Describing what you feel, acknowledging it to yourself, and not judging yourself in the process will help you to gain just enough distance from your emotions so that you are aware of them but are not engulfed by them.
If at any point during this practice, you start to get overwhelmed or scared by the intensity of your feelings – refocus on your breath and take a few abdominal breaths described earlier. Continue the practice when you feel ready to do so.
If you don’t have a few quiet moments to devote to this practice, you can still develop your awareness by paying attention and noticing your inner experience. It takes no time to simply acknowledge how we feel rather than ignoring or blocking it and it is a powerful and worthwhile habit to develop. Notice also what is going on around you, who is there, what is said, what are you reacting to, etc. And remember self compassion – you have to be at least as nice to yourself as you are to others.
In my next blog I will address the remaining components – thoughts and behaviour – and how all four components influence one another and guide us often without our awareness.
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